The other side of the reflection

I am the reflection.

We have all done it. We have all leaned ourselves against the bathroom counter, hands gripping the edge of the sink. We bent over at the waist to get as close as we could to the bathroom mirror and probably asked out loud…” Who the hell am I? Where the hell did I go? ”

We searched that one-sided mirror for ourselves. We stared into the glass, looked away, looked back…waiting for a horror movie to take place so we could explain the outrageous event we just caused or how we realized we had lost ourselves years ago. Whether we lost us for a minute, a moment, or far longer…we have all looked in the mirror and not recognized the face staring back at us.

Today I looked in the mirror and it was the first time I didn’t search for someone else. I didn’t search the depths of my own pupils, watching them grow and shrink in size, waiting for that moment that I could see something more than darkness staring back at me. I didn’t mentally criticize my skin, my complexion, my hair, my outfit. I just saw myself. I smiled. I may have even nodded in approval (weird, right? Nodding to yourself…) and I left. I walked away knowing that the reflection in the mirror had walked away with me.

Like everything in life, especially when it comes to mental/emotional states, this new-found feeling of mine is going to take time. It is going to be a roller coaster and I’m going to crash. I’m clumsy. But I’m aware.

Today was the day that I decided to never have a buffer again. I am the only person in the world I know how to be. Me. And I’m damn good at it. I refuse to have a buffer in my life that carries me from one emotion I try to avoid to the next. I refuse to let my heart-break be handled by anger and my anger to be handled by being distant. I refuse to let my previous pessimistic life experiences to take away the optimistic ones of my future.

No more buffers. No more excuses. No more filters.

Actually, I hardly had a filter before unless you got put on my “I care about you” board. Then I would move mountains before telling you something you didn’t want to hear. Agree with you? Always. Give you advice? Yea, as easily as walking on egg shells. Who is that helping? If I love you and choose to be a good friend, I am making it my goal to tell you all the things you don’t want to hear.

Let the gods help us all.

No more buffers. No more excuses. No more filters.

I choose reality, I choose today, I choose reaction, I choose to be me.

 

Written by Tammy Layton

May 24, 2016

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