It took two hearts

Humor me with your ears while you read: https://youtu.be/inb8MMZ-QmA

Song of the caged bird by Lindsay Stirling

It took two hearts to create her own. It took two individuals day in and day out to show and teach her the ways of the world, the good and bad in life, lessons, praise, and support. She had two hearts that loved her endlessly and forever. Under no circumstances did she ever doubt, hate, or leave these two hearts.

You see, her one heart is two halves and they beat effortlessly because of those two hearts that made her, that gave her life. They were her rock, her continuity, her unwavering light in a cruel world. So when you lose one of those hearts, when you lose a parent, it does take a piece of you away. Your heart will never beat the same again but it will in fact, continue to beat. It will get stronger over time and it will heal the other half with scars…but it will heal.

When you choose to love someone that only has half a heart left, there are things you must remember. You must remember that their pain doesn’t fade away the same as the way people fade back into the normal routine of their lives. You must remember she isn’t going to be miserable forever and that not every day or every reminder is sad or should be avoided.

You must also remember that the biggest impact of having that empty space inside of them isn’t going to be from things you would expect. There are things that don’t seem as bright in life anymore that you cannot fix. You must be patient, you must allow them to find the light and the joy and the excitement out of trivial things again. Patience doesn’t last 6 months, 2 years, or 10. It is a patience that will last forever because there will be times she falls apart, if but for only a day every 10 years or  during major life events…it will happen and you must remember that you do not have to understand. But you must be patient. 

You may think of them and their lost loved one around holidays, birthdays, celebrations, or sad times. That is when we can muster up the appreciation and love for the time we had with them and we are accepting of their departure. These are not the times we fall to reflect on the pain that is aching in our heart. 

She will be reminded when planning her wedding that there is no one to walk her down the aisle, she will be reminded when she finally has kids that there is no Papa for her little one to meet, and she will be reminded with every raise/promotion that there is no father to call and boast to on a workaholic level. When she is putting a photo album together five years from now, she will realize that he will never be in another one. When she hears her best friend argue with her own dad, she will wish she could argue one more time.

He will be reminded that his best friend won’t be there to give advice anymore about the love of his life. He will be reminded every time that he works on his car, that the mentor that taught him everything he ever knows won’t be able to teach him anything new. He won’t ever be able to introduce his child to the man that taught him to throw a ball and who sat in the bleachers of every football game. He will be reminded on his own Father’s day that there isn’t 3 generations there to celebrate. 

It’s the moments in life…the ones where you would normally find pride and excitement, that we realize we are not able to pick up the phone and call with the same excitement that you are able too. 

All of that will fade with time…It won’t ever disappear but it will get easier. Those moments will become fewer and farther between. We will find the light in the darkened edges of our heart and mind because we know logically….the world is not cruel. Only people. We can repair, we can move on. We will. We will because we were taught to be strong and not afraid by both of the hearts that created us. 

All you need to remember is that when we lost that one half of our heart….it stopped beating. Everyone around us helped to  bring it back to life and soften the blow. But we taught our own heart to beat differently. We see life, love, happiness, and the world differently. Our heart stopped beating for a short time but it opened up our soul. We feel, think, see, and love differently now. It may take us longer…but we are more grounded, more fierce, and more in love with life than you’ll ever understand. We can no longer take the trivial daily tasks for granted. Our eyes have opened. 

I am stronger than I was before because I have to be. Are you strong enough for me?

I am less patient than I was before. Are you going to be patient enough for me?

I am more fierce than I used to be. Can you handle that?

I love harder, deeper, and more primal than before. Can you reciprocate that?

I have walls that are taller, thicker, and more distant than before. Can you wait long enough to break through them?

I have fallen in love with the darkness of my soul as much as I have the light. Can you love the beauty and the beast?

And most importantly…Can you see through my loss and not see a broken soul standing before you? I need not to be fixed.

 

Written by Tammy Lee

September 9, 2016

In loving memory of my father, Andy Layton.
Forever 54 yrs young.
RIP. I love you.
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