I envy the rare individuals in this world that actually live for themselves, for their significant others, and not for what those around them will think, feel, and say. I am not perfect, I have room to grow, evolve, and to become better. I am not above learning from others and those people are the ones I want to learn from the most.
For so long I have been hung up, stuck in the rafters and nailing myself to the wall over guilt and pride. I have avoided the past because I didn’t think it would be forgiven in the future. I didn’t know until it was too late that I had already forgiven everyone else and I was only left with fear. Anger, bitterness, fear…in a head that is speed racing in a downward spiral, it all feels the same. Drowning alive by your own hands…your own hands holding you under while you voluntarily hold your breath until no longer can you breathe. Your spirit dies and the shell of yourself is what everyone sees.
Truth is that I was my own worst enemy. I let shadows engulf me and I forgot how brightly that sun did shine. I was fighting to survive a death I was giving myself, and slowly. I thought I deserved it. Every pang of guilt, bad luck, tear-filled night, and pain. I took a depressed heart, anger riddled mind, and I physically gave that soul a knife and I endured each and every cut deep into myself. I convinced myself I was strong because I would heal from my own self destruction. Now, I shall fight not only to survive but to live.
I don’t want to just live. I promise to those that matter and to myself that I will feel again and forever. I will absorb myself in passion, purpose, love, positive outlooks, and I will open myself up to all those sensations, emotions, and depths of empathy. I will no longer block anything out, I will break those walls that I have built and I will put myself to risk. I will allow my heart to feel the intensity of love and faith and trust because I already know I can endure the temporary heartache due to normal trivial hardships. What I cannot survive, is a life without you.
No longer do I want to feel like I have anything to prove to anyone but you.
I want to learn from those people who really don’t give a shit. I want to know when to just nod and smile and let other’s opinion no matter how much it might cut me, to roll off my shoulders and out of my mind. No longer do I want to think that someone else is going to sway the way you look at me or of me.
I want to learn that not everyone has to understand or agree but they must be supportive.Not everyone has to like me. Those that do not support but only belittle, they are no longer welcome in my life. In ours. They can however, stay in yours. I remove myself from anything that I feel will bring us down in any manner and that includes negative gossip, opinions, or banter.
I want to learn that I do not owe anyone an explanation. I do not have to offer answers, explanations, or endure painful conversations that make me upset. I can give brief “this is how it is” notations and move along. Whose business is it? Not theirs. Not any one’s.
I seek no approval but mine and yours.
I seek support from family and those I consider family and to no one else do I owe anything to.