And then there was one… back to square one. The beginning. A full circle I took, the long way around. But I don’t feel like I am starting over. I don’t feel like I went two steps forward and one step back. I feel like I finally cut the strings and am no longer a puppet to the negativity that once consumed me.
I. Am. Free.
I allow myself to be happy.
I embrace today and look forward to my future.
I am no longer haunting myself.
I am no longer suffocating on air and battling the crippling invisible attacks of my mind.
Some people may call me crazy. That’s okay. Some people may shake their head in confusion and not understand. That is also okay. But you know what? So many more people are happy. Genuinely accepting and happy of me and for me and those are the people who I love. That know me. That partake in this feeling that it is meant to be, that it is in-fact my destiny.
I have been thinking a lot lately and I have come to the conclusion that I really haven’t changed all that much. Mannerisms? Sure. A habit here or there? Of course. But my way of thinking, my want and desires out of life, my want for daily routine but craving for spontaneity every once in a while? All those things are part of me. They haven’t changed, they haven’t gone away, they are who I am.
I am the person that wants to wake up early on the weekend, make breakfast while being able to hear cartoons from the other room, and then take the dog for a walk. I am the person that wants to come home from work and make dinner while sipping on a glass of wine and listening to your day.
I am the person that wants to look like the 30-year-old professionally hot spouse Mon-Fri and work 50 hours a week. I am the person that wants to dress in those daring outfits that makes other girls jealous on a Saturday night and I am the person that wants to pull out the leather on a breezy Sunday afternoon and go for a motorcycle ride and drink beer with my friends.
I am the person that wants to dress to the nine in a cocktail dress, stiletto heels, and salon hair for a Christmas party, a work event, or a ball. I am the person that wants to bake 12 dozen cookies for a fundraiser or charity event, pack lunches with notes in them, and clean the house top to bottom on a Sunday evening because it makes ME feel good. I want to take care of someone in ways that only I can or should. Why? Because it is reciprocated to me in other ways and I want to feel that also.
I am that person. Those things were real and still are. Those things were amazing and I need them. I will find those things again and embrace them with so much more passion and appreciation than I did before.
I believe we all have a purpose on this earth and my purpose is to be that significant other, that person, that spouse, that person…. I am that soul that just wants to embrace life completely. Mundane makes me happy. Routine makes me sane and relieves my anxiety. I want a last minute road trip and I want to dance in the rain. I want to press all the buttons in the toy aisle at the store and I want to act a fool in the park. I want to make duck faces when taking pictures and I want to laugh and smile but more importantly, I want to hear you laugh and smile, even if it is at me. I want friends and good times and nightlife but I also want brunch, small conversations about nothing except our dreams and hypothetical lottery situations and alone time.
That is one thing I never make a priority and I believe it is important.
I need that 30 minutes once a week to paint my toes or take a bath. I must remember that while everyone else is naturally more important to me than I am, that I am still important. Help me remember this.
I refuse to compare what was to what is. Because it is ALL who I am and what was natural. There wasn’t anything negative in those things or fake. I am the person I was and I will be the person I am tomorrow. Perhaps slight changes but at the end of the day, my heart is the same. I have not changed. The one thing I can hold consistently to is the things I did out of love, happiness, and natural instinct to want to do them. Those won’t change. Can’t change. They are me.
I believe that I have grown stronger, more sure of myself and that is what I hold onto. Life lessons. I learned about myself and that is very important. That is what is needed. I am prideful but I have learned that pride can be crippling. I am independent but I have learned that sometimes it is okay to find that one person in life to depend on like no other. Vulnerable doesn’t mean weak. That doesn’t make me weak, it makes me in love. I have learned that I avoid confrontation to an extreme but that doesn’t mean in the end that I get to avoid the awkwardness or argument so I need to learn to communicate. Confrontation or disagreement doesn’t necessarily mean it ends in disaster and that I have learned, slowly, yet I have learned. I am learning.
I don’t believe at this point in my life I would allow myself to take steps backward. I will bound forward by miles instead of steps. I will hit the ground running because I know who I am and I know exactly what I want out of life. I know what I cannot and will not live without. I know what makes me happy, sad, and what makes me anxious. I can admit now when I am anxious. I. will. ask. for help.
I am in life completely. I am in life for all of it or nothing and I refuse to have nothing. So that leaves being in this all the way. I wasn’t strong enough previously due to depression, anxiety, to life, that I couldn’t even fight for myself. Now I refuse to do anything but fight for exactly what I want in my life, what I need and I will fight for that forever.