Keeping Me Human

Keeping me human, keeping me grounded
I know I’m a monster and I’m okay with it
When I was younger, monsters weren’t green, didn’t live under the bed, and have pointy teeth. Monsters were those individuals that had a grip on their emotions, could handle anything life threw at them without a bat of an eyelash. The ones everyone was so quick to call “cold” and “heartless.”
I liked monsters
It’s only been the recent years of adulthood that I desired to be anything other than a monster. That I wanted to be human. That I wanted to be both.
I can have both.
He lets me have both.
Double edged sword I am and he wields it well.
I’m vicious, cold, focused, and I dance to the beat of drums you can’t hear. I set my mind to something and it’s hard to tear away from it or throw on the brakes – at work or at home. I know how to have a good time and sometimes I let that take advantage of me, the desire of an adrenaline rush and fast pace life off the beaten path of acceptable. But he brings me back. He gives me releases – 4 day weekends here, a good bar scuffel there, but he never leaves me there and he always brings me back.
He lets me be human. He reminds me that people have not failed me, that I can love and be loved. He reminds me that life is not cruel, only people, and I don’t have to be “hard” to survive like I used to think. I survived my late teenage and early adulthood by being the best among the worst walks of life. To that, I am no more.

Life has to be more than just contentment. It is human nature to have a need to feel productive, needed, and engaged. I’ve always been good at keeping myself productive, he flourishes and secures that desire that I have to be needed. That leaves engaged. Without knowing, he does that too. So often I find myself learning from him but he hasn’t the slightest idea. He isn’t teaching me Calculus or Military structure. He isn’t teaching me anything that I could Google. He teaches me how to let go of things I hold on tightly too for no reason, that give me anxiety or make me unbearable.

He teaches me by living.

I listen to his stories, his point of views, his rants about work or simply watch his interaction with friends. Sometimes I silently disagree. But sometimes…sometimes I realize how far detached I’ve become from the life around me [except from him] and I make the decision to fight to put myself back in to it. I make a point to become more relaxed at work. More engaged in social atmospheres. I remind myself that the struggles I have and the focus on things not going “how I think they should” are struggles I bring on myself. I realize that I hold on to bitterness as if it were sweet.

Why am I not letting myself breathe?
And then…
Then I become human again.

I want to better myself.
Eat better.
Run more.
Make friends.
Endure a cleaning routine.
Try new things.
Travel.
Embrace life instead of powering over it.
I have no point to prove in this life, I just want to live.

And then I get overwhelmed.
Being good and responsible is hard.
And I retreat.
I get tired.
I get hungry.
I get lazy.
And he lets me.
I find pleasure in being cold and hard to the outside world.
I relate to the villians instead of the heroes with joy.
And he waits until I decide to become human again.

And you know what?
Each time I retreat, the amount of time that it lasts becomes less and less. Because he has taught me the most important thing about myself…

Forgiveness.
I can forgive myself when I become overwhelming to myself and everyone around me.
I can forgive myself when I haven’t cleaned the house in a week or have slipped off healthy eating habits or have gained 5 pounds.

I forgive myself because I also have the motivation and self-respect to fix it all and become again, the glorious half human-half monster that I’m meant to be.

If you don’t have someone that supports you and teaches you things about yourself as you go about this life, do you really have anything that matters?

Written by Tammy Lee

5/18/2018