Not Allowed to Rest

You know those times where you are busy from the moment you wake up until you don’t even realize that you have fallen asleep? That has been me for the last two weeks.

I find myself finally falling in to the rhythm of my day-to-day but then every time, something throws a wrench right in the middle of it. Tossing what I worked so hard for right out the window. The uphill struggle to remain in control of the small pieces of my life seem to be a consistent part of my life now. So I guess it really isn’t a struggle to stay caught up anymore, it is just the ordinary. Should I just relinquish the desire for a balanced routine to being an unreachable dream?

Should I accept the fate that I won’t ever get my house chores, yard work, work, social life, isolated time for my animals, family time, my writing, errands, and trips in to a routine that I can manage? When you juggle so many things, I suppose you are destined to drop the ball on one of them from time to time. Let’s not even add in any hope for “me time.” The thought of that is like wishing for a unicorn that can fly. When do people find the time to read?

Perhaps I am a bit cranky.

Recently 7 days were spent in Ohio for the 4th of July holiday. Lots of quality time. Amazing fireworks. A bit of beer. Good games of darts and corn-hole. A tad bit of shopping. Great food. Several movies. It’s the annual trip that everyone looks forward to and it was indeed a fantastic time.

What was I greeted to when I came back?

A fatigued sickness that left me sitting on the floor of the shower because I was too weak to stand and shampoo my hair at the same time. A disorienting sleeping schedule that left me unaware that the kids hadn’t had dinner or that anyone had left to go see a movie and to the store. Thank god for Marco’s delivery pizza, chicken noodle soup, and Netflix.

See, a normal person in my situation would have taken to medicine, a movie, and their bed at the first signs of this excruciating sore throat and entire face congestion. I felt like the elephant man within my sinuses. But what do I do? I push the entirety of my worn down self to the beach not for one day, but for two days in a row. Why? Because I have no idea how to be sick. Because I have limited time with this teenager until she goes back to Ohio so I literally don’t have time to be sick. Because if I don’t go, neither will they. How do you choose to miss out on that? You don’t. I have no idea how to rest until the choice is made for me by the failure of my physical abilities to keep my eyes open and my legs moving.

Why? Why you ask, do I push myself forward in such a way?

I would like to say I had a valid answer but I don’t. My mind lives in the conclusion that “if I don’t do it, no one will.” Is that actually the reality? Probably not. If I asked, it would be done. The problem is, is that I am not the person to ask of things. I will simply do until I can do no more.

Every second that I lay awake in that bed, I can think of ten things that need to be handled. Dishes need to be done, the loft vacuumed, and the living room dusted. When was the last time the air filters were changed? Do the dogs have water? The grass needs to be mowed, bills need to be filed, garage needs to be organized, the Murphy Bar needs to be stained, and did I text that person back?

I could work non-stop on a healthy good day and still I would feel as if I was drowning because I feel like all of it is my own responsibility. I try over and over again to get myself in to this routine that always, eventually fails. I change, I add and remove expectations but always expectations I will have and always will I feel like I’m never catching up.

When will I finally allow myself to rest?

Tammy Lee

7/16/2018

 

 

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