Washing Away 2018 in the Shower

Make 2019 about yourself. Let 2019 be about letting go of who you were and embrace who you are.

As we go about our lives we get this idea of how things should be. We dream about mile markers in our lives. Career, spouse, family, travel, money. If they break, if they don’t work out like we had anticipated we feel guilty. We invest all this time, effort, and money into what we think is going to make our lives perfect and when it still leaves a hole in our heart, we think we are letting everyone down. Let 2019 be a fuck you to everyone that isn’t you. No one in this world will truly ever know what is best for you except for you. If we stay comfortable, scared, or worried about the change we know we have to make, we might as well be dead.

Dead. Fully alive, breathing, functional. Yet still dead behind the eyes. Your soul is screaming for you.

Grieve for yourself in 2019.

Let 2019 be about letting go of who you were and embrace who you are. We grieve for the loss of others that have left this world. We know how to do that. We are somehow, in some morbid twisted way, born with the ability to grieve for the loss of the ones that leave us behind. It is a hard, long, frightening path that we don’t ever think we are going to get over but we do.

Do you know what is harder than grieving for the loss of a loved one? Grieving for someone that is still alive. Naturally, we don’t know how to do that. How do you let someone go and move on because they no longer have a place in our lives? I’ve had to do it and it was unbearable at first. Sometimes you have to let the people go that don’t want to be in your life or the ones that are toxic. But you know what it has helped me realize?

Grieving for someone that is still alive, that is what heartbreak is. I guess I hadn’t ever felt it before or never recognized it. That clarity helped me understand that I have broken my own heart. Not anyone else. I lost who I was, I thought I had found her, I lost her again. That wasn’t because of a man, a friend, or a family member that broke me. I broke me. And I thought I was healed but I was lying to myself. As soon as I started feeling like myself again, I ran back to my old thinking, my old friends, my old routine because I thought I could handle it. I was healed. I was ready. NO THE FUCK I WAS NOT. That isn’t something that takes days or weeks or months. As soon as I felt better I stopped taking care of me. I found myself sliding back into my comfort zone because who likes change? That isn’t something you can ever stop doing. You always have to take care of you and put you first. No one else will.

I broke my own heart. That realization cut deep. I broke my own heart.
Find a way to forgive yourself for all the things that were supposed to work out in your life but didn’t. Forgive yourself for changing from who you were to who you are now. You evolved. You aren’t the same person you were in 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, and so on. I guarantee you are a better person now than you were then. You are moving to who you are supposed to be not who everyone else expects you to be.

Find a way to forgive yourself and to embrace this new you in 2019.

How do I do it? The shower. Yup. The shower.

I do most of my crying in the shower. I hide the crying from myself. Dear god, I don’t know if that is tough or just plain stupid but I’ve always done it. Wash away the tears down the drain with the bad day and the water. I cry for who I was and the mistakes I made and then I cry because I’m happy about the person that is going to be staring at me in the mirror when I get out. I cry. I let it out. Maybe because it is the only place I truly feel vulnerable. You are trapped in these glass walls, naked, wet, defenseless, and unable to hear everything else in the house, outside, etc. You are stuck with yourself. But at the same time, it is comforting. It is a chance to separate yourself from the dirty dishes in the sink, an over-needy dog, your phone, your obligations, from all the noise. The water is warm and you are just…you. Perhaps that is why I have always showered alone. Far too vulnerable to shower with someone else.
Let yourself be vulnerable. You know what? If I want that person in my life, and I do, that will stand in the shower with me as my mascara runs down my face right along with my tears and will hold me tight while I let the day wash over me, well than I need start figuring out how to speak my mind without feeling insecure or needy. Every day in that shower I cry until I forgive myself for what I think I failed at yesterday. But you know what? There isn’t anything to fucking forgive. I am exactly who I am supposed to be and feeling like I have to apologize for being too much, too emotional, too curious, or too anything, is something I need to work on. I’m only ever going to be “too much” for the wrong person. The right person will love and accept all of me and I will always be enough. Never too much.

We have to make the big gestures for ourselves. You want someone to show up on your doorstep in the middle of the night with flowers, you want someone to jump on a plane and surprise you, you want someone to make this grand entrance into your life. Be that person.

When you can’t sleep at night, stop lying in bed and thinking, or overthinking your life, your choices, or the extra slice of pizza that you ate that day. GET UP. If you can’t sleep GET UP and do something. MAKE YOURSELF breakfast, crawl back in bed, and eat because you made yourself breakfast in bed. Be someone that you appreciate. Do things for yourself that you expect others to do so you know how it makes you feel. The more you do those things, you’ll find yourself doing them for others or recognizing when they need a little “extra” from you. And for the love of the gods, stop doing shit for people that don’t appreciate you. The smallest act of kindness should be cherished. If you aren’t important to them, stop making them important in your life.

If you want a friend that comes over at 2:00am just because you didn’t answer your phone and you sounded upset earlier that day, you first have to be that friend.

Make 2019 about five main things:
1. Grieve for yourself
2. Forgive yourself
3. Embrace yourself
4. Be you
5. Let your life fall into place

Tammy Lee
January 5, 2019

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