Today was a good day. I haven’t had a mentally good day in a few weeks. It takes having one to realize that you have been without.
I have had good days. I have not been sad. Stressed, overwhelmed, happy; I have been all three of those things but I have also been missing out on myself and the space I can get to inside my mind. I like it there, I need it.
Compare it to the zone that a coder gets into, the ability to block out the entire world when your consumed into a great book, or a lawyer when digging into case files. I miss that focus. The clarity I achieve of my feelings, my thoughts, and the calming ability to just breathe.
I took it slow today. I think writing helped yesterday. It usually always does yet it seems to be the last thing I want to do the past several months. I wonder if that is because I find myself questioning more things than I do writing positive things. I want to write about happy things because I am happy, happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. That’s why the thoughts I put down to paper or text seem to be the opposite. My happiness is figured out, it isn’t confusing. I have everything I’ve ever needed in the world. My home, my heart, it is perfect. The world is confusing. It is kind of like dreaming, you dream so that your subconscious can sort out things that you are going through, to make sense of them. I write to do that.
I don’t write for anyone but myself. I share it, in hopes that maybe it helps someone somewhere, or maybe so that one person in the world will stop and ponder the words I’ve chosen to let free. But I write for me.
It is one of the very few moments where my mind is silent when I am by myself.
It is one of the best feelings in the world, to sit down as I am right now at my laptop, with earbuds blaring violin music, and not struggling to figure out what to say or how I feel. To not have any idea what I was going to type and yet the pages fill so easily.
I read a post today about myself. Do you ever wonder what someone would say at your funeral about you? How someone describes you when you are not around? I posted yesterday about my humanity and how in line I was with the person I actually wanted to be, the person I hoped I was becoming along this ride called life. Everyone’s opinion doesn’t matter but theirs does to me and it was… peaceful to read what they had wrote.
They brought me peace.
I am certainly a villain in someone’s story or memory of me because I am not perfect and I have made mistakes. I’m quite okay with that. Yet the words I read painted such a different perspective of me, one that I too often forget. The reminder, the affirmation from someone that I respect and care for brought me to an ease that is hard to explain.
Maybe I’m not doing life wrong. Maybe the self-love that I’ve been working so hard on the past several years is working. I’ve mended scars and even though I still have some, I’m healing. I’ve healed enough and found someone special enough that I’ve finally made this small hole in the barricade of my heart and mind enough to let them in and they have been patient enough to help me. Will it ever be down for the world? Hell. No. But it is for them.
I sit here smiling despite all of the other things going on in my life because I am happy.
I am at peace.
I am living this life of mine instead of fighting to survive.